The Importance of Discussing Sexual Abuse and Trauma: A Look at Netflix's "Baby Reindeer"

Ironically or not, I do not watch movies, TV shows, the news, or even content creators' work very often. I am more likely to watch a documentary if I watch anything; however, every once in a while, I will encounter a "show" that seems to "call out to me," and I give it a chance. Like books, if my eyes do not lock into what I am seeing, I will get bored quickly and never look back at whatever it was I was attempting to view. "Baby Reindeer" was one of those shows that caught my attention within three minutes. While I do not want to spoil the show for anyone who decides to watch it, I will share a part of the subject matter that absolutely astonished me. 

The first few episodes of this limited series are captivating and somewhat relatable for me. However, it was episode 4 that utterly shocked me, triggered me, and forced me to turn away from the TV and cover my ears. Even though I had witnessed the early stages of grooming showcased in the episode, along with the steady progression of the groomer and the patience he displayed, it reminded me of the man who did the same to me. I did not go into all the details of this in my book, 'The Devil Inside Me,' because that was not the focus of the story. However, seeing the scenes play out the way they did in episode 4 took me straight back to my very first encounter with my "groomer," who led me into a very dark world of prostitution. 

While I have no interest in ripping open those wounds again by discussing the details of what it was like being groomed for three years, the point of this writing is to applaud "Baby Reindeer" for addressing a subject that is often ignored by the global society we live in. In my opinion, it is far more common to hear about a woman's rape than a man's or even a boy's. As a sexual and physical abuse survivor, I have spoken about it for years, so I know how little this issue is discussed. Why is it more taboo for men to talk about being molested, sexually abused, and or groomed? Is it because that would require the victims to discuss that they had same-sex experiences? Is it a fear of homophobia? I have asked myself these questions for years, but I have come up with no answers. Sure, some men discuss it, but I do not think the few who speak on it represent just how huge this problem is. 

Instead of promoting the release of my new book, 'Media Company in a Box: Independent Media in the 4th Industrial Revolution,' today, I felt more compelled to applaud Richard Gadd for sharing his story with the world. He is not alone... I am not alone... YOU are not alone. I am grateful that his story has received attention and has seen "success" because, in my opinion, this series opens the door for more honest conversations about injustices, crimes, and evils that happen to men. In no way do I want to take away from the awareness that women are receiving; however, it is time we all started having honest conversations about male sexual abuse and the consequences of remaining silent.

Netflix's "Baby Reindeer" has sparked a much-needed conversation about the often-overlooked issue of men being victims of stalking and sexual abuse. The show explores Donny's growth from trauma, confronting toxic patterns with self-awareness. It shows how Donny, who is reeling from a sexual assault, is forced to face his deeply buried trauma. This aspect highlights the long-term psychological effects of such traumatic experiences.

The show's ending sees Donny come full circle, suggesting that he has himself become like Martha: a messed up and mentally ill stalker. This open ending could be interpreted as a commentary on how victims of abuse can sometimes become abusers themselves, underscoring the importance of breaking the cycle of abuse.

Despite the pain and trauma, the show also emphasizes the power of empathy. In the final scene, a bartender extends the same kindness to Donny that he showed in the first episode. This act of kindness serves as a reminder of the importance of empathy and understanding in dealing with victims of abuse.

While "Baby Reindeer" has initiated an important dialogue, it is crucial to recognize that the issue of male sexual abuse extends far beyond the show. Statistics paint a sobering picture, with studies suggesting over 3 million American men have experienced rape in their lifetime. These numbers likely underrepresent the true scale due to underreporting stemming from stigma, shame, and lack of support resources.

The impacts on male survivors can be severe - psychological effects like PTSD, depression, substance abuse issues, and difficulties in relationships are common. Survivors grapple with feelings of emasculation, self-blame, and confusion around sexuality. Cultural norms around masculinity frequently deter men from reporting or seeking help.

Physical health consequences like higher risks of cardiovascular disease and cancer have also been linked to childhood sexual abuse in males. The trauma can manifest in various ways in the body, highlighting the need for comprehensive medical care.

Sexual abuse fractures families, erodes trust, and creates environments of secrecy, harming not just the survivor but their wider circles. Certain populations like incarcerated individuals, LGBTQ+ members, those with disabilities, and minority ethnic/religious groups face elevated risks and additional barriers to support.

Breaking this cycle requires a multi-pronged approach - education to raise awareness and promote consent, increased male-specific support services, legal reforms, professional training, and ultimately a seismic cultural shift to foster belief and compassion for male survivors. 

Prevention must also become a priority through robust educational programs aimed at curbing sexual violence. By amplifying survivor voices, challenging stereotypes, addressing systemic factors, and proactively implementing change across generations, we can work towards a society where no survivor suffers in silence.

Ultimately, shows like "Baby Reindeer" underline the vital need for open, honest conversations about the often-invisible issue of male sexual abuse and trauma. Only through such dialogue can we begin to dismantle the stigmas, provide comprehensive support, and create lasting change.

Male on Male Sexual Abuse Statistics:

• A study found that out of a sample of 284 adolescent and young adult males (ages 14-26), 43% reported experiencing a form of sexual coercion.
• Another review of 15 studies about male-on-male sexual assault published between 1980 and 2014, drawing data from a total of 5,112 sexual assault cases, found that the majority of both victims and offenders of male-on-male sexual violence are Caucasian and heterosexual1.
• The CDC survey found that 27% of men and 4% of men reported being victims of rape or attempted rape.

Effects of Male Sexual Abuse on Sexual Orientation:

• Conventional wisdom says sexual abuse turns boy's gay, although there’s no persuasive evidence that premature sexual activity fundamentally changes sexual orientation. Nevertheless, a heterosexual boy is likely to doubt himself, wondering why he was chosen by a man for sex.
• Sexual assault is in no way related to the sexual orientation of the perpetrator or the survivor, and a person’s sexual orientation cannot be caused by sexual abuse or assault.

Effects of Not Talking About Sexual Abuse:

• Many people continue to struggle with the lingering effects of sexual abuse or assault for months or years
• Survivors of abuse may stay silent and choose not to tell others about the abuse — including authorities6.
• “Denial of sexual abuse can wreak havoc on a survivor’s mental health,”
• When children do not disclose sexual abuse and/or do not receive effective counseling, they can suffer difficulties long into the future.
• It’s common to think that if you don’t talk about your rape, it didn’t happen. But you can’t heal when you’re avoiding the truth.