This is a from-the-heart post. Although this platform is used primarily for business and now evidently matchmaking, I am going to be me. For those who really know me, you are prepared. For those who don’t, here is a piece of my heart.

Sure, I want to be popular because of the influence it would provide to help me fight for the causes I deeply care about. Power can influence change, and I have desired to use it for good and for the underserved. But this post is not about that. It's about my mental illness and disability. If you read the entire thing, you'll understand that it's a positive post, but I feel led to share this. When I feel led, I do it, no matter what it costs me. Following that belief has led me into some fascinating situations, but that's for another day.

I hate having Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). While I have new diagnoses to add to it now, the one I hate is DID. I want to blame tremors for why I'm separated from the loves of my life and for robbing me of so much life I had. Besides the fact that I felt like my spirit began to slowly leave me each day as the tremors progressed.

The tremors almost killed me and brought me to the point where I was saying my goodbyes to my first real love and the person I planned on changing their diapers one day. Not sure she would have changed mine, but no biggie.

The tremors made it impossible for me to go into public without experiencing extreme pain because of all the people talking, the sounds I couldn't control, and believe it or not, phone notifications. I'm a social guy when I am, but because the pain got so bad, I would choose to stay home in isolation. Not just isolated from the world, but also my own family because even their voices caused me pain.

Can you imagine having the love of your life’s voice hurting you?

Most days, I would fall asleep at 6 or 7 pm because the pain would shut me down, only to wake up at 2 am and then spend even more time alone. Talk about an intimacy killer. Talk about a connection killer.

I want to blame the tremors for a lot, but as I begin to heal a little more each day, I'm able to reflect and see just how hard I made it to stay connected in a meaningful way for extended times with the people I love most because of how often I dissociated.

I'm starting to remember things I never remembered, and I'm seeing other perspectives of the emotional pain I caused when I wasn't myself or present because I had "switched" or dissociated. I'm also understanding the other levels of distress, confusion, heartbreak, and other pains I caused when I wasn't myself.

I've worked so hard to heal from DID, and the person who helped me integrate into society, be able to have friends, good working relations, and even know how to love, have empathy, and even love myself is the one who got negatively affected the most.

Learning to love myself is still a process, especially after the last six months. I don't love myself so much right now because I hate what my mental illness and my inability to completely heal from it or be delivered from it has wrecked in my life.

I'm a DID success story in progress. I've overcome a lot, and I've defied the odds in so many ways. However, the one area that I wanted to be the biggest success in was having a happy, healthy, and loving family life with the love of my life and the children we might be blessed to raise.

When I gave my life to the Lord and began my healing journey, I did the work (I do the work), and due to obedience, I was slowly blessed with my life restoring so much of what I had lost before. I was blessed with a family, and to be honest, I thought I was healed.

I went through so many deliverance sessions I almost thought about auditioning for the remake of The Exorcist.

Family life taught me how to love, feel loved, and experience real, pure joy as I am madly in love with the girls I got to help raise. They are my kids, and I am their bonus dad, and now I am separated from them because of the toll my disabilities took on them, and I wasn't getting well there. I know I needed to leave, but I didn't want to because the thought of being away from the people I love most in the world was soul-crushing.

The tremors slowly robbed me of my spirit, and in all honesty, I know it couldn't have been easy to be around me, even though I did my best to keep a smile on my face and have a good attitude. The pain I was in just made joy seem impossible to find. I can't imagine what it was like to be around me and how it dragged them down too.

It's easy for me to blame the tremors as I said, but I'm quite sure my loves could have handled me much better had they not had to deal with all of the times I dissociated and isolated in a safe room until I was myself again.

Yes, this is real, it is my life, and to be honest, I'm grateful for my Love for coming up with the idea because that room helped us stay together as a Family, as friends, and people who loved each other. It prevented the normal horror shows fights would have been without them.

Once someone dissociates, all bets are off on what might happen. This is no excuse; I'm just being honest from my personal experience because, dammit, I know I'm not the only one who deals with this.

How in the world can I tell people the truth is a superpower and not talk about this? I'm sure if my Love is reading this, she's going to be not happy, but then again, I doubt she will because I have completely sabotaged the relationship by fighting so hard to keep her, not losing her, and wanting more of her attention than she could give me. Why would she want to give me attention after what life was like with me for the last six months? While I believed she would be there till the end, I don't blame her for wanting to be away from me.

I pray to God that we will be reunited, but I know that won't happen, and shouldn't happen until I am healed. Even if I am healed and I don't get my family back, I will at least know I loved myself enough to get well completely before I ever entered into a relationship again. Not just healed of mental illness or from the tremors, but also professionally.

I've been building for the future instead of today because of what I believe is coming in the 4th Industrial Revolution, and based on what we are witnessing currently play out, I'm really happy I put all of my energy into building for the future instead of focusing on getting a job that would put up with my DID. I believe we were created for a purpose, and we are to pursue that purpose using our gifts, talents, and intellectual property. I believe the Creator created us to create, and the new world is about that in my opinion.

In doing this, it allowed me to take on big projects; however, I never took money upfront because I was working with "Kingdom people" who made lots of promises that never produced, and this is not one group, it is many. The financial stress I put my family under because of how I choose to live, being led by the Spirit, caused almost as much pain as everything else.

I failed as a man to provide for the people I loved the most because I wanted to serve God and do what I was being led to do. I made things impossibly tough, even though we always had last-minute miracles and random blessings. The stress is a lot to put on a family, and it's even worse when financial pressure is added.

When I gave my life to the Lord, I simply said, "Take my life, it is yours," and I had quite the experience. I won't go into that here, but it changed everything for me, and it was the first promise I made that I have kept.

So, it's really confusing sometimes when I do what I believe I'm being led to do by God, and the consequences of that usually bring some level of pain that leads to a breakthrough or blessing. But sometimes the good part doesn't happen for a while. At this moment, I'm only believing for the best possible outcome for all and for radical healing. As I write this, I'm starting to want to hit backspace, delete, not share this, but I have to tell you if I don't do this now, I will end up doing it later in a book like I did with my first one.

But I'm being led to do this now because I'm not crying out for help as I'm in a good environment, safe, with people I trust and love. I'm also getting to repair some other fractured relationships from my past. I hurt a lot of people.

I thought I was past that. I'm a man of God, but I don't always act like it, and that's why I hate DID, or ASD now, or whatever they will change it to, but I switch, have alters... or should I say, had? A funny thing about the tremors... I don't dissociate anymore.

I can't dissociate other than going to "the empty space," which I call neutral. After my first presentation with Score Mentors, I went into neutral and wreaked havoc on my relationship because I was in such a funk. Every time I emcee, speak on stage, or present, I lose myself for days, sometimes longer. I was just reminded of that tonight by my mom. That in itself breaks my heart because I

 wasted an opportunity to love the person I love most in the world.

She's going to say I'm insane for writing this, but I wrote The Devil Inside Me; does she think I won't talk about this? I didn't say names in the book; I'm not saying names now. So I could be talking about an AI character for all you know... Ummm, nevermind.

Is it a weird irony that the tremors have kept me from dissociation, yet the pain is far worse because I can't? I'm feeling heartbreak for the first time in my life that has lasted longer than five minutes. I'm going on weeks now, and every day my heart breaks more, I feel my Spirit come back a little more. For some reason, I keep finding hope, in between tears, outbursts of emotion, an inability to not text my family to tell them I love them and miss them, and I'm trying to let them go, but I can't NOT fight for the people I love. But I have to let go to love them properly and give them to God, who they really belong to anyway.

I don't talk often about the other kids or wives I've lost in the past because I put all of that into a book, but I never felt the pain I should have felt because I couldn't. I hate DID because if I could have hurt the way I do now, I would have done something about this madness before I left such a wreckage in my path. I'm quite sure the pain would have been so bad, I would have been smart enough to not get into relationships until I was healed.

The one thing I do right often is serve and be in service of people; that's how I show love. It's sincere; I want to serve and I want to help anyone who needs it. It's the one way I feel close to God and that I'm doing something right. When I'm serving, I'm locked in, I'm at peace, and I'm at my best most of the time. Doing God's will has blessed my life in more ways than I can mention, yet there is also so much loss involved and causing people pain.

Now that I'm not dissociating, I feel every emotion, every stinging tear, sick to my stomach, sad moments. I know this is a blessing; it feels like death. It feels like being reborn, again, but this time in a longer, more drawn-out, punishing way.

Not only am I experiencing real emotions, I'm remembering things I didn't remember, as I'm seeing it in my vision play out, scene after scene of moments that I only remembered the aftermath before. What is this?

Are the tremors healing me, or are they trying to kill me? And then out of the blue, I get a moment of hope that pops in to remind me that I'm on the right path, as I get one of those signs and messages of hope to show me that I am indeed on the right path.

When I see that, I remember that the same God who does the impossible, the one who guides us to do the extraordinary with our purposes, as we are doing what the Creator created us to do, the God of miracles can do anything God wants. If God can make visions come to life, then God can heal families too. I know it was an act of obedience for me to leave my home, not just by me, but by my family. I did the right thing by leaving, and even though I also live with heartbreak and confusion that is slowly fading away as I see more clearly, I know I get to do more work to heal and get everything in order before I can even think about trying to lead a family... the real dream I wish to come true. The dream that has all of my kids, and family members, and most recent family all together.

That is my heart's desire, that is my ask of God, but to be honest, I also say, "I want what you want most for my life. If I blew my opportunity for a family with this, then I accept that. If reunification is not your will, I accept that." I don't want to, but I do want what God wants for me most, and right now God has some work to do on me, and I get to put that into action.

I got a message early this morning from one of my brothers, not by blood but spiritually, and I'm convinced God is speaking through him. How we met and how our relationship has grown is not what I had expected, especially because when we met, he needed a last-minute "miracle" for his non-profit, and together we were able to make it happen. He even bought my book, and for many reasons, I never thought I would hear from him again.

My first book, the one I wrote and created a movie for with the love of my life, and what really helped me unlock the door on my destiny, is also the source of material that caused me to not get welcomed into many churches. The Devil Inside Me is not a catchy title for churchgoers, or are demons not really cast out at church? Or I don't know, but I do know my confessions of the life I lived before God got a hold of me and how I gave my life to Christ, I guess, did not align with the theology of the Christian church. Or maybe it was because I told the truth in a graphic way. Either way, that book has caused more to see me as a demon than a man who is desperate for God because, without Him, I mess everything up.

I wrote the book because I believed that we were supposed to confess our sins, not dance around the actual truth. Then again, I am not a seasoned man of God, so what do I know, but I do know church rejection hurts, and being rejected by fellow believers caused great pains in my life and even relationships. My method of being authentic about my struggles was a turn-off, I guess. I'm sure people reading this, if anyone actually is, are also rubbing people the wrong way or think I'm a douche for being so open.

I lived in the shadows, and even deeper shadows for most of my life. Once I found Light, well, it was freeing, but it's also where I was forced to face things about myself that were not easy. Heck, I didn't know my identity for most of my walk; I didn't even know what sexuality I was because it shifted with each "switch," so I understand why church people might not welcome me. But to my surprise, this friend has shown up for me like an angel to offer me wisdom. So I want to close with this, as my feelings and thoughts are all over the place. But from my heart, and using a message I got this morning after day two of writing this...

If you have DID, BPD, Schizophrenia, ASD, or any other disability that has caused you relational problems and you fear love, please don't. I know your heart has been broken, especially if you have learned how to have empathy, and you might not want to go through it again, or believe that you are worthy of love or another shot. That is a lie from the devil itself. I used to tell myself all the time I would never find love after having HIV, being in jail six times, being a chemsex addict, having DID, and contributing to several broken homes because I didn't believe I was worthy or good enough.

I'm here to tell you that it was surrendering all of those fears that allowed me to get focused and work to become a man that was desirable to someone, someone very special. For over four years, I was loved and cared for and got to experience family unlike I ever had before. I'm convinced God's love did that for me, and while right now I'm heartbroken, sad, and confused, I know deep down that it's worth it because while I don't want to be away from the ones I love, and I might never see them again, I'm so grateful for the love I did get to experience. I'm so grateful for the joy I got to experience and how I learned to be almost human. I'm grateful for how my Loves humanized me and helped me become more approachable and not seen as a monster.

I'm grateful also for the hard lessons it taught me because it exposed an area I need to work on the most: self-control, which won't just serve me in love, but in life. I don't want to let go, but if I don't, I'm playing God, and I'm not letting God do the work God wants to do in my life, and obviously the people I love. Letting go is the only real way I can show my love for them. We cannot receive all that was meant for us if we don't do the work to heal all the wounds of our past... the reason why is because if we are not healed, we will destroy our blessings. Take it from me, I have destroyed many of my blessings because I was not healed or spiritually mature enough to handle it.

I've learned my lesson. I am committed to healing in all areas of my life before I even think of being in another relationship. However, for now, a big part of my motivation is the hope and belief that God will restore my family, as God is the God of miracles and restoration. If for some reason it is not God's will, then I will at least know that being a healed, whole man of God will be enough to help me finish my own race, my own journey, and my God-given purpose.

Thank you for letting me share my heart. I don't know who needed to hear it or if I just needed to write it, but thank you. I have more work to do, and part of that work is sharing my heart. I am committed to my advocacy for others, always, as it brings me joy, but I am now going to advocate for my own health and well-being so I can LOVE the way I want, without ever missing time again. I believe God will heal my tremors, and with it, DID will go away also.

I will also never allow anything to come between me and my relationship with God again. I will never allow anything to come before the purpose He created me for, and I will never let God not lead my family, business, and service life again.

Love to you all. I know better days are ahead for us all.

Joshua