Trusting The Process
I really really try hard to trust the process.
You know, the process of life. the even flows that can be so maddening and tear inducing. Yes, I will admit, the enormous weight of the mountain I have placed on my shoulder while trying to climb an even larger mountain creates moments of such doubt, I cry out to God asking for His guidance in helping.
Crying out as in crying tears of momentary hopelessness.
Before I had a relationship with God I would use those moments to medicate myself and forget my worries. In the process of doing that I would also sabotage my quest for achieving my purpose in life. I am pretty sure I can count a number of times my life has come full circle and I have given up on His purpose for my life, what I was born to do.
In doing this I created, even more, hell and depression for myself which has led me to hit the wall.
My last visit with the wall finally allowed me to understand that I could not do it alone.
I made that sound so casual. “My last visit?” haha. How about it was a crashing of Jerry Bruckheimer proportions.
Even with relying on God I struggle with doubt and trusting the process. I move fast, I am confident in what I do and I believe in what I am doing 100%. That does not mean that everyone else sees things the way I do or has that same faith in my abilities.
I talked about balancing my ego and being humble earlier this week because I realize I struggle with taking rejection or resistance in a humble, graceful way. I feel slighted, I get a chip on my shoulder because I do know what I am doing. I am good at what I do and I have the successful track record to prove it. It eats at me when someone doubts me but the crazy thing is, after the bravado wears off, the self-doubt kicks in.
What happened to Mr. Confident?
I am so thankful for my relationship with God now because when I have those moments, I can truly go to Him. I will not promise that it gets better immediately but I can say that I am able to not self-destruct or sabotage the process because I do trust in His plan for my life, no matter how challenging things get.
I have had a rough few days with being in my head and I really wanted to quit. I didn’t but my brain sure was telling me to. I decided to take a walk down to the beach and little by little I quit thinking about the bullcrap swirling through my head and focused on what I had to be grateful for.
Like magic, the worries and stress disappeared. Then little things started to fall into place and then I had one of those moments of awe. All of a sudden I believed with all my heart and soul again that I am on the right path and it will all work out in time.
I should not have ever doubted God but I am human and I am flawed.