What are you afraid of?
Scary movies, failure, paying your bills, a North Korean long-range missile, spiders, President Trump? (Sorry had to)
I do not fear much outside of spiders now but a sudden thought of failure would paralyze me to the point I could not breathe much less take action. Spiders, on the other hand, I am still trying to sort out with God. They FREAK ME OUT!!!! I will not go into the horrible nightmares I have had since I was a kid but to this day, cannot stand the sight of them.
I am pretty sure everyone fears failure too. My fear of failure was not healthy in any capacity nor where it stems from. I am positive my fear of failure comes from my father. I am not here to put my father down in any way because I know he did the best he could with the tools he was given. He learned from his parents and then he took what he has been learned and put it on me.
I do not believe that my father’s or my grandparent’s generations were too big on self-reflection and “breaking the cycle”. I do remember vividly winning golf tournaments or playing exceptionally well in one of the many sports I played growing up and being criticized afterward and being told I did not perform well enough.
Life Church’s message last week was about the Lies of Labels and one of the most devastating labels I carried with me was “I am not good enough”, which is the same interpretation of my father’s criticism.
As I just typed that it made me sick. Actually, it pissed me off because I felt every bit of rage in me that I felt back then. Who am I kidding? To this day, if I get the hint that someone doubts my abilities or I do not get a gig I want, it fuels a fire in me that cannot be put out.
By the grace of God, those words now are just fuel because I believe, finally, that I am who God wants me to be without compromise. Oh, I am heavily flawed and I am a work in progress but there is a huge difference in living for Him and living for the world.
Those words and feelings of “Not Being Good Enough” not just triggered rage but they more importantly caused fear of setting in. I backed away from seeking opportunities in life that I believed I was called to do even from a young age because of fear or not being good enough.
I was so full of fear at times that I would sabotage situations, even relationships because I was scared that the sins of my past would come back to haunt me, keeping me from being successful at the things God called me to do.
In fact, every time I tried to surrender my life to Christ or improve my relationship with God, the opportunities that I had sabotaged in the past, came back to me in another way.
When people ask me why I believe God’s purpose for my life is to tell my story and be a “speaker” I tell them about all of the times God has shown me, through visions, prayer and the opportunities that keep coming back to me over and over throughout my life. I am not that easily convinced however I have been experiencing this from a young age.
When I was molested as a kid or experienced abuse from my father, it either filled me with rage where I would want to hurt my little brother or anyone else in my path or I would want to hurt myself to the point somehow I would die.
I deserved discipline there is no doubt because I was a pain in the butt but no one deserves physical, sexual or emotional abuse. The one thing that helped me through all of it was the idea of one day being able to take my personal hell (self-inflicted and not) and use it to help other people in a big way.
Fear kept me from living God’s purpose for my life for 36 1/2 years of the 38 I have been on this planet. Or off, depending on who you ask 🙂
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7 NKJV
Fear Is Placing Faith In The “What-Ifs.”
Outside of my childhood, I have been my own worst enemy. Fear has kept me from doing God’s will 99% of my life. Fear caused me to dive head first back into drugs, sex and any other bad habit I could form to cloud over God’s purpose and start living for something much more sinister and broken.
It is important for me to address the “What-if’s” I told myself to keep me from living out God’s purpose for my life.
I hurt a lot of people in my life. Not so much physically but I emotionally wrecked my family, 2 ex-wives, their families, my kids, girlfriends, and friends with lies, cheating, rehabs, anger, jail, resentment, and drug, and alcohol abuse.
I am sure there is more but that is all my brain can muster right now. Those actions have consequences and those consequences are enough to break any human. For a time, they broke me and I ran to God because I believed and believe he is the only way to break free from the bondage of that poison.
You better believe I changed and did a heartfelt job for several months and all of a sudden, like magic, the opportunities God has planned for me since before I was born reappeared along with the self-doubt, then self-loathing.
Do you know how bad I wanted to share my story to help others? I want it so bad that even now, I have a tear in my eye because I do not want anyone to every experience what I have. I do not want anyone to do to THEMSELVES what I have done to myself. I do not want anyone’s one’s savior, I just want to guide them to Him because without Him, we have no chance of having joy.
Wanting to do God’s will did not matter then because the minute those doubts and FEARS popped up, I started lying to myself, the “What-ifs” became the start of every sentence I spoke to myself and ignored that Christ had the power to make me new and give me a new life. I did not believe it enough to prevent fear from creeping in and I blame not diving into the Word of God for that fear having the power it did. So, “what-ifs” became the mantra that destroyed my walk with the Lord, and brought me closer to death.
Why Do Your “What-Ifs” Matter?
1) What You Fear The Most Reveals What You Value The Most.
2) What You Fear The Most Reveals Where You Trust God The Least.
What are you not trusting God with?
Overcoming Our Deepest Fears
Acknowledge Your Fear And Choose To Trust God Anyway.
In God, whose word I praise—in God I trust and am not afraid. …Psalm 56:4
Seek God Until He Takes Away Your Fears.
I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.Psalm 34:4
Fill in the blank. I’m not trusting God with _________. What would it look like to start trusting God with this?
I just saw the word count for this blog and I believe I am 700 words over the recommended amount but I pray that if you are still reading this then you will watch Life Church’s message that this blog was inspired from. Thank you for reading and have a blessed rest of your week.